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Thomas Butler Gunn Diaries: Volume 2, page 50, February 17-18, 1851

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Identifier: DX09903965

Title: Thomas Butler Gunn Diaries: Volume 2, page 50, February 17-18, 1851

Description: Comments on his feelings about his relationship with Mary Bilton ending.


“There can be no disparity in marriage so great as unsuitability of mind and purpose ,” and let me lay it to heart. The thought has been much with me of late, Were we wed, should we be happy. I fear not. I could not go twice to Chapel on Sundays, and once on week days. I could not wallow in texts and tracts. And it would be so, and a far crueler disenchantment to her past image thus, than now. Reason and love plead in vain, the blind owl-like cry “Behold the book ” deafness the one, and for the other alas! Oh Mary [Bilton], have I not loved so deeply, so faithfully and long that like the air you breathe you give no thought or thankfulness for it. Why have I loved her, and why do I — my innermost heart I know she is not as I feign to myself. It should have ended ere now, long ago. Never more — never more to think of, hope for and love her — never more. I will write as I think — and if it must come, well I’ll end it, and live Alone. I have done it and can endure the like again. I can’t cast again — have no heart to do it, but life has pleasures yet. I can read, think and travel, and so time will glide on till there’s an end of more taking thought for the morrow.

18. Tuesday. [William] Barth called. Out with him, called at [William] Roberts and left the mahogany block. Then to [177] Canal Street, and accompanyed him part of his way, meeting Fred Anderson. Returned to dinner. Afterwards, with Cross and Atchien the Chinese out for a drive in the buggy. To an Iron foundry at the back of the North River, where I made a sketch of Halls drilling Machine, for Cross. Returned alone, along the brink of the river. Atchien upstairs with self and [Alfred] Waud during the evening. Imbibing ale, and looking at pictures to his great content, also displaying his queue for our admiration. A very simple, merry, and noticeable Celestial is he, and knoweth English tolerably. His

Rights: NoC-US


Dates: 1851-02-17

Type(s): Diary

Maker/Creator: Gunn, Thomas Butler, 1826-1903

Subjects: Courtship


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