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Thomas Butler Gunn Diaries: Volume 6, page 222, December 20-21, 1853

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Identifier: DX04136880

Title: Thomas Butler Gunn Diaries: Volume 6, page 222, December 20-21, 1853

Description: Reflects on his past love for Mary Bilton.


was more romance than I could ever fancy my life would witness. All the time too about me was that beautiful, loving face about me, and that dear, pure, sweet voice so loved — years ago!

I don’t know, guage as I will, my own heart on this matter. When I wrote her name, those few seconds ago, I had a strange quiver at heart. One would think the matter ought to be dead enough, — but at all sorts of long intervals up-turn these resurrections of buried hopes and day-dreams. I think of her, hardly as a living woman now — (no word have I had of her for three years;) buy as though she had retired into some Cloud-land, nevermore to emerge from it. / I know not if by wishing it I could have her for my wife; at all times I should wish it —

But as I write it, I think, Oh God! Yes! To have her, whom you did so love, in your arms — never to part from each other again in the world! —

I think if ever I do marry, I shall, at all sorts of cold, lonely times, be haunted with a sorrowful thought that Mary Bilton should have been my wife. I drank so heartily at the Circe-cup of Boy-love, I shall be intoxicated all my life. I can fancy myself quite an old man, thinking of her, — of her face, her hair, her songs, her beauty, of old time sunlight in Kings Road and Leyton lanes.

I think I’d be willing to die now, could I weep out my world-wearied heart on Mary Bilton’s bosom. A foolish thought. Cowardly too, but I feel it.

21. Wednesday. Drawing till 3. Down town in the morning to breakfast at Goslings, posted extensive letter for [William] Boutcher, & home newspapers &c. In afternoon, having supped at Erfords,

Rights: NoC-US


Dates: 1853-12-20

Type(s): Diary

Maker/Creator: Gunn, Thomas Butler, 1826-1903

Subjects: Dreams


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